Happy New Year!
Whew, What a year! 2017 was filled with lessons and blessings all at the same time. The year started about the same as it ended, with me searching. A journey which has lead me to now. A journey which has filled me with clarity and gratefulness and although it took until the very end to see clearly, it was all well worth it.
Love and the rose-tinted glasses that come with it:
I have learned that I am not the dictator of love and how it should be. It’s an individual thing and I can only accept or reject it from another person, including family and friends. When most people hear the word love, they think of a significant other, followed by family, friends or even things. For me it was about a HIM. In my most previous post, I spoke about how I “allowed” myself to be mistreated and abused all in the name of and the sake of love. I felt that it was my way of accepting my fault in the lack of finding love, real love. Boy, was I wrong.
While conversing with a good girlfriend about what our year had been like and how we may or may not have changed, we shared stories that were surprisingly similar in terms of our experiences. We spoke of our children and the challenges that we have had with them. We talked about the goals that we had set the previous year and how we met some of them and faltered with others, however, we still wound up on top with revelations that were amazing. I mentioned to her some of the experiences that I wrote about in the previous post in terms of my currently healing heart, being shattered. Her reply was, “You keep saying that you ALLOWED him to do these things to you. Stop saying that! Those words are contributing to the tearing down of you! You have a giving heart and that is what you did. You gave him your all, as you were trying to allow him to be the best person that he could be, hoping that he would mirror you. You are love. He failed, not YOU.” Those words have been with me all day.
The irony is that I am constantly suggesting to people to be careful with their words, because they become actions. If only we could take the advice that we so sincerely offer to others. She reminded me of how grand I really am and dared me to forget it! At the end of that conversation, I felt like I could take on the world, I was powerful, I had the eye of the tiger, and as I write this now, I still have that fire inside of me. This woman is a friend whom although we have been knowing one another for a very long time (we started kindergarten together), and don’t speak as often as we’d like, the genuine love was still there. It’s a love that I’m willing to accept, and I could feel the absolute of it all. A very big, heartfelt thank you to my friend.
I’ve had to learn that people will not always match my type of love, because what may be a ceiling to me may be the floor to someone else. Where I may feel like I’m giving a ten gallon hat sized love it may be received as a baseball cap sized love and vice versa. Yet, at the end of the day, it’s still love and I am not the authority over how someone else perceives it or is capable of love.
Other Peoples Shit:
Someone said to me today, that I have the ability to draw people to me and make them like me, then almost immediately make them hate or dislike me. Now, this comment came from someone who really doesn’t know me. Although she has been around for 40 years as a partner to my brother, I don’t know her and she honestly does not know me. I felt that it was an unfair opinion to have based on that fact. As to not appear the victim, I reached out to people who DO know me and would render unbiased feed back. The replies I received ranged from, it could be my strong personality, to, someone not being able to handle my sense of humor or my direct honesty, but each reply ended with a similar opinion which was that is on her, not you. That’s her shit not yours and she should own it. The negative statement stayed with me for a while and I almost let it ruin my day until I had to come to an agreement, “yes, that’s her shit, not mine.” Perhaps what she hates or dislikes about me is actually her looking into a mirror and seeing what she actually hates or dislikes about herself. I remember reading a few excerpts from a book called “The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, ” and it spoke of this very thing. It was interesting to actually have this experience in real life after reading the book. Don’t take it personal, and I am learning to do just that, in addition to owning my OWN shit as I am guilty of doing the same to others. It’s a difficult change, as we are creatures of habit, but I have vowed to become a better person each day than I was the day before. It’s mandatory!
Firsts and lasts:
2017 was filled with a lot of firsts and lasts. For the first time, I listened to a man, a husband, speak for about 30 minutes about how great his wife is. He spoke about how she is the one who is responsible for him being the man that he is today, which from my perspective, is a really good man. He gave me hope. There were people who I spoke to for the last time, either because a relationship ended (platonic or otherwise) or someone passed away, or someone just moved on. And others whom I conversed with for the very first time, although I’d known of them for quite a while. I cherish and value each and every moment. Although I may have missed some of those people and the camaraderie, I will keep the lessons with me.
Seasons, reasons and lifetimes showed up as well. There were people whom I developed relationships with that I never thought I would. And even though it didn’t ‘last’ I’m still grateful for the experience, the lessons and the blessings that I gained from each one. There were even some Ships which I tried to rekindle, only to realize that the season had passed and that there was nothing left to learn. For the first time in a very long time, I looked into the mirror and LOVED what I saw. I saw that I am beautiful and worthy of all things splendid and regal. I fell in love with ME for the first time. For the last time, I stopped tearing myself down with my words, either speaking or writing them. Brought to my memory was something that I learned a few years ago, “Writing is a spell, which is why it is called SPELLING.” You may call hogwash on it, but think about it. You bring about what you think about, therefore I am changing my way of thinking as well as speaking and writing.
There is no such thing as wasted time:
Every single thing which has happened in your life up until this very moment has or will serve(d) a purpose. When I decided to move back to Chicago from Arizona, initially it was for a relationship, but time has shown me otherwise. It turns out that the Universe lead me back to be a comforter and nurturer for my brother who is battling stage 4 cancer. Although the ex and I had plans to search for a house for us to build in and continue to raise our children in, the universe lead me to a house which would allow me to care for my brother until I no longer could. In doing so, I realized that time means nothing. That life isn’t happening TO us but FOR us. Let that simmer.
I felt like I had wasted so much time with the ex,that I almost missed the lesson. As painful and gut wrenching as that experience was, the lesson was way too valuable to not want to embrace it. What was happening for me was the universe telling me over and over again to love me. To give to myself what I’d been giving to everyone else so freely. That time helped me realize that I am, in fact worthy of every fabulous thing that I desire. It taught me that it’s okay to not be okay. It taught me that my depression was simply a result of me trying to live up to a standard which had absolutely nothing to do with me, rather what I thought someone else wanted me to be. It taught me that although I learned to be open to love and the possibility of it, that I now need to take this new time to learn how to walk away from and break spells which do not promote me or love.
Moving forward, I am anticipating continued growth, love and light. I am anticipating all that life will do to and for me. I can hardly wait for the lessons and blessings that await me, it’s going to be so damn dope, and I trust my dopeness!
Remember, Love, Laugh, Live, THINK and thank! Don’t be afraid to use your entire brain. Be open. Place yourself in someone else’s shoes before you judge, you don’t know their story, even if you think they have told you. Be careful and impeccable with your word, it’s really all that you have. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. If no one questions your YES, don’t allow them to question your NO! God is a frequency, Tune In!
You look great today and it’s a beautiful day to be beautiful you!